How to Look Inside Ourselves Instead of Trying to Change Others

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By Louise Armstrong

Every single area of my life has changed from me making the decision to learn to love myself from the inside out — and without one conversation with anybody.

I have gone from 35 years of suffering a destructive relationship with my mother and agonizing a similar relationship with my eldest daughter to going on holiday with my parents this year and my eldest daughter moving back home to live with us in Dubai.

And it only gets better — the 28-year marriage with my husband has gone to a much deeper level and we have both decided to leave Dubai next year and return to England to live near Mum and Dad.

And all because I decided that I would take that step to change me.

We spend our lives subconsciously trying to change others, trying to get others to see things from our perspective, trying to make others understand. But what we should really be doing is to look inside of ourselves; learning to love who we really are and make the changes from within.

My story is about the relationship with my mother and yours might be similar. Did you know that the mother-daughter relationship is one of the most intense relationships you will ever experience?

This relationship is so powerful that it affects your interaction with your partner, your children, your friends, and yourself. This incredible bond, which was once based on love, can turn to anger, resentment, and guilt which can your whole life.

When we try and change things from the ‘outside’, it can end up looking like this. Ask yourself these questions right now.

Are you desperately trying to:

Seek someone’s approval.
Strive for their acceptance.
Win their praise.
Gain their acknowledgment.
Yearn for that warmth.
Crave their love only to be disappointed in every effort you make.

And it just never comes? With all of this trying and needing, are you left feeling:

Angry
Resentful
Desperate
Exhausted
Having low self-esteem
Worthless
Guilty

In turn, do these feelings end up affecting every area of your life?

For over 35 years I was desperately seeking my mother’s approval, her affection, warmth, and love. I tried everything possible, only to be continually disappointed every time, which diminished my self-worth as I truly began to believe how useless I really was.

I was stunned, shocked and devastated to be told that my mother didn’t love me and would never change so I had to make a choice: have nothing more to do with my mother or change myself?

Unfortunately, subconscious traits from my mother reared their ugly heads through and affected the relationship between my eldest daughter, Charlotte, and myself. I ended up controlling my daughter, the very thing I wanted to avoid, destroying any trust we had built up.

I was devastated because this was the exact opposite of what I wanted.

How could this be?

So history was repeating itself and I felt worse than ever. I had no idea what to do but I did the bravest thing I have ever done in my life…I asked for help.

And with the right help I embarked upon my own self-healing journey and totally alone, I changed myself. I changed the perspective of my history without a single conversation with my mother. I released every negative emotion inside of me at such a cellular level that the change has been permanent.

The relationship with both my mother and Charlotte became peaceful and joyous. I understood that I didn’t need anything from either of them so today, I am continually being filled with warmth, love, and affection.

The beauty of my life now is I “see” things so differently, I “see” my mom as a tenacious, lively, helpful, loving woman who does a huge amount for her community. What happened to all of the anger, the deep resentment, the guilt, and the hatred towards her?

I “see” Charlotte as an amazing young woman who is developing her own skills and becoming a loving and warm person who enjoys life. What happened to the resentment towards her, the needing to control her every move, and the wanting her to love me in a certain way?

Here are a few tips on how to love yourself and start your healing journey — loving yourself from the inside out:

(1) Stop trying.

Stop trying to make things work, make things better, please that person, say the ‘right’ things, or ‘do’ the ‘right’ things as it doesn’t work. You may have been trying this for years and feel even more disappointed.

(2) Have no expectations from this person.

When you phone them, do not expect them to respond in a certain way, do not expect them to be happy for you, hug you, cheer you on, or be interested in anything you have to say. When you stop the expectation, you also protect yourself from being disappointed.

(3) Understand that you do not need anything from this person

You are enough. You really do not need their affection, their praise, their validation, their approval or their love because you are enough.

(4) The healing is all about you.

For perhaps, the first time in your life, put yourself first. This means taking time for you, meeting your needs, meeting your own expectations, and making yourself feel good. You’ve probably even forgotten how to do this after all of these years.

(5) Accept yourself.

The healing process is one of acceptance of whom you are, letting go of the lack of need for anyone’s love in any form, rewriting the perspective of your past, and finally, the forgiveness for both you and this person.

We all deserve a life of peace and fulfillment. We all have a choice in life.

Will you be the one to make that change? Will you change from the inside out to find love and affection?

Louise Armstrong is a Family Relationship Coach, Counsellor and Clinical Hypnotherapist. If you’re struggling with your relationship, come and join her closed FB group especially created for women to move forwards in a caring, non-judgemental environment, “Let’s Talk Relationship & Life.” Take the relationship quiz here and see where your relationship is right now.

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