How Shy Introverted Men Can Succeed in Dating

There are 3 popular pieces of dating advice people tell you that is just wrong and crippling your chances. Here’s what they are and why they don’t work.

If you master these truths, your dating life can soar…

1. “Just Interact with People. Women Will Naturally Come To You.”

Doesn’t happen.

I have rarely, if ever, been asked out by a girl or approached first in any way, except for dance classes to practice dancing. And almost all the guys I know have had similar experiences.

Perhaps, it’s the fact that I’m Asian American and therefore, not seen sexually or just average, but I’ve wasted over half a decade on the sideline.

If you’re one of the many introverts hoping women will make any indication of the first move, you better hope you get lucky. I’m just here to tell you I’ve observed how things flow for me for years and 9.9 times out of 10, if I enter a yoga class, dance class, fitness class, health event, convention, or anything else with women, they rarely talk to me first, let alone show any signs of interest.

I’ve been to partner dance classes with open dance afterward where anyone can ask anyone to dance. The attractive women will never or rarely ask a man to dance. They don’t have to because there is usually an abundance of men asking them.

Fear of rejection holds many of us back, especially when we tie our self-worth in some way to the rejection.

Just take it slow. Ask just one person. Then, two the next day.

Just realize the regret you will feel for not having the courage will be a lot worse than any rejection.

2.“It’s Just A Numbers Game. Use the 3-Second Rule.” Let’s Not Be an Extroverted Pick Up Artist … How About Quality and Moderate Quantity Instead?

Is it a numbers game? Yes and no.

The idea of complimenting strangers walking in public and asking them out on dates crippled me. I do not recommend this shotgun approach for introverts.

What I failed to realize was this is usually when girls can be the coldest and rudest when it comes to rejection. And any sane man will be affected negatively by dozens of repeated rejections.

While some dating coaches claim you will develop a tough skin around this eventually, it may be a traumatizing thing you can do to a shy introvert that lasts in their psychology forever.

No, it is not a numbers game but it is a numbers game in the sense that your attempts should be  higher than zero (but preferably, less than 10 or 20 a day).

I’ve been guilty of going many days with zero chances or attempts to meet a new woman my age. Living in a smaller town definitely makes this harder, so keep in my geography.

As far as the 3-second rule goes, I’ve rarely ever been able to use it.

If you’re not familiar, it says that you should go up to someone within 3 seconds of getting the idea because the longer you wait, the worse the anxiety gets until you’re so intimidated you never approach.

This is a great rule for extroverts or people with moderate nerves. But for me, it took years of focused effort to be able to consistently use the 3-second rule.

I had to start from taking hours to work up the courage to approach. And when I stopped practicing, I quickly lost it again.

Instead, try something else. Try breaking it into something less intimidating. How about a 5-minute rule with a casual opening line about where she got her shoes? No, you don’t always have to go in with a compliment that puts everything on the table.

The trauma of the rejections and reactions I got with a shotgun stranger approach likely caused a good amount of anxiety that has prevented me from progressing. Therefore, I don’t recommend it.

3. “Man Up and Ask Strangers Out. That’s All You Need.”

This is a dangerous and easy fantasy for introverts because they’re scared to ask anyone out. Therefore, they can stay in their head believing their lack of courage was the only thing holding them back.

I still feel like throwing up when I want to approach a stranger. Getting over that hump each time is one of the toughest things I’ve had to do in my life.

But I’ve done it numerous times and still do it to be the best version of myself and test out advice from so-called experts.

What I found was a lot of rejection. Having the courage to approach is just one piece of the puzzle, not everything. In fact, approaching someone cold is the worst way because you have very little time to signal attractive traits of value and they will assume you don’t have any.

The World Doesn’t Owe You Anything. Prepare for the Worst (and Realize It Isn’t That Bad).

Sometimes, I’ll get all charged up from advice that tells you to just put yourself on a limb. And I go out there and do it.

But it ends up exactly how I don’t want it to.

For example, I’ve asked a friendly girl I knew for a while out on a date, but I got rejected. She was taken.

Another time, I asked a girl I knew out on Facebook I knew in person but didn’t see often and she never responded.

I met both of them through my fitness class and I was told that this was the way to meet women for shy people. Yet it didn’t work and it now gets awkward when I see them, especially when they’re the only other females my age in the class with me.

I’ve also been told partner dancing and yoga classes are great places to meet women for shy men.

But I’ve found that people will arrive right before the class and leave right after the class. Many already have boyfriends and aren’t in the state to be approached or hit on.

The worst advice is to meet women at a commercial gym. Try it out for yourself and you’ll see. They don’t want to be bothered, they’re in and they’re out of there, and they’ve already endured enough approaches that they’re prepared to be cold to you.

Now, I’m not saying for you to get resentful or bitter. Nor am I saying for you to go crazy and ask out any girl with a pulse that you see on a daily or weekly basis without worrying about the consequences.

Instead, I am saying that there is a lot of power to being open and content with the consequences. Trying your best, understanding that the worst won’t destroy you, and moving on.

And it means something when I’m telling this to you because I am someone who didn’t believe this for a while. When I was told that the worst that can happen is a rejection, I still felt that it was horrific.

And it was. Some girls gave cold, condescending, even disgusted looks when they rejected me and that scarred me a bit. Yes, I was still alive but that stings your inner self.

But just realize that most people don’t try their best, put their best foot forward, do the best they can, and humbly accept the results they don’t want. And that is awesome for you to do so.

If you believe in the work we are doing here at The Good Men Project, please join like-minded individuals in The Good Men Project Premium Community.


better world


Get the best stories from The Good Men Project delivered straight to your inbox, here.


submit to Good Men Project


Sign up for our Writing Prompts email to receive writing inspiration in your inbox twice per week.

Photo: Getty Images

The post How Shy Introverted Men Can Succeed in Dating appeared first on The Good Men Project.

(via The Good Men Project)

Add Comment