How I Found Love When I Stopped Looking for It

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Ah, women. I, for the most part of my life had women pegged completely wrong. Absolutely and wholeheartedly. As a young boy, I didn’t have much to do with girls because it was the natural thing to do; run with your own species. Yet looking back I often wonder if I had allowed myself to play with the girl’s things might have been a lot different.

I was a sensitive young boy and I still am. Rough and tumble doesn’t appeal to me like a nice chat over coffee does. That has always been the case for me.

I’ve recently found out through learning about myself that I get along better with women, and it’s not because that I feel women are better than men, or that I am deviating from my heterosexuality, it’s mostly because I am gentle and sensitive. Lads like to shout at the TV over their favourite football team at the same time as giving their best mate a dead arm, whereas I’m more inclined to sit and give my friends compliments, boost their self-esteem, talk about their hopes, fears, and dreams.

Not that I’m saying there is anything wrong with either scenario, only that I best fit in with women.

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My first love was in the last year of primary school. I was 11. I have heard many people telling me that my hormones were just finding their balance and that I was probably unsure what I was feeling, yet I know how it was. It was particularly painful for me to watch when she chose someone else. I can remember getting up each morning feeling as if I had lost the will to motivate anything, that life was just a monotone drone of noise. It took quite a while to numb that feeling as we moved on to High School. I feel this experience would set the tone for all my next experiences with women and finding love.

I can remember getting up each morning feeling as if I had lost the will to motivate anything, that life was just a monotone drone of noise. It took quite a while to numb that feeling as we moved on to High School. I feel this experience would set the tone for all my next experiences with women and finding love.

All the way through High School, and because of the experience that I had as an 11-year-old boy, I didn’t let anyone close enough to hurt me that badly ever again. I was stupid really because I’m sure I could have had a few wonderful moments, but my aversion to risk had gone through the roof. When women came close to me I’d turn beetroot red and run away, it was an in-built protection system of sorts.

Strong females were my type, and mostly because I was raised by only my Mum. Women that liked their man to lead were a no-go area for me because I couldn’t lead for toffee at the time.

I lost my virginity at 18. I was the first of my friends to do so and I remember coming back with a smirk on my face. The whole experience had been another kick in the teeth. My friends had encouraged me to shack up with a 24-year-old woman which resulted in disaster. I was young, in love again, and making mistakes. The only saving grace was that this all happened on holiday at my Dad’s and I could take a sharp exit back to my Mum a few days later. Gone.

From there I had various on and off relationships with a few people that didn’t lead to anything serious. The problem with me was that women DID want to date me but they didn’t want to stay long in a relationship with me. I had an aversion to risk and I hated conflict. From what I’ve learned since then, women, if not overt about it, want their partner to be risky and strong.

I was neither of those so anything that I entered into at the time was doomed to failure. Like the woman from abroad I went to see who I met over the internet. I was having internet relationships before they were ‘cool’. The best thing with Internet relationships was that there was no need to be strong and risky; the people that I was dating only saw a portion of my life which didn’t include standing up for myself and that was fine by me.

I went to meet her eventually and our relationship lasted two meetings. That was before I found out she was seeing another man, too. Yes, and she was married. I was very vulnerable back then, and I was very open to being preyed upon by certain types of people. Yes, she may have taken advantage of me at the time, but I was told several times over and over by my friends, ‘fun only’. I only had myself to blame as I look back.

It dawned on me about a year on into my sobriety that I had been attracting the wrong types of women into my life when I was looking for love. I wouldn’t say they were ‘broken’ only that they were a bad fit for me. It was around the time I was learning the foundations of psychology and human connection that it became clear to me what I’m giving out to the world isn’t the best version of me.

I was negative, depressed, hurting and angry, and yet whilst this mentally attracts a lot of people that want to help, it also attracts people that are in the same position as I was. That’s not a bad thing in itself, it’s just not productive if I want to have relationships and intimate relationships that bolster and complement. Being in the same negative state can spiral us both into depression.

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I’ve also realized that my experiences in childhood have a lot to do with the intimate partner that I would end up choosing. I had a very flawed way of thinking in that I was always going for the unavailable women and clinging onto them. I expect most of that was my protection system, always choosing unavailable women so that no risk was needed to be made and I would never get hurt as badly as I did when I was 11.

Strong females were my type, and mostly because I was raised by only my Mum. Women that liked their man to lead were a no-go area for me because I couldn’t lead for toffee at the time. Meeting people as indecisive as me was bad because we’d never decide on anything.

A significant part of my eagerness to change was kicked off when I read a book called “No more Mr Nice Guy” by Dr Robert Glover; that booked opened a whole new world to me in my flawed way of thinking when it came to women. It taught me that by priding myself on being nice, having a million women friends and bending to their every need is all well and good but it’s not going to land me in a healthy relationship, or even one at all. It was pivotal to understanding that I was ‘broken’ and needed help.

I stopped desperately looking for love in the end. I know I was lonely but I really did have to start working on myself first before I could even think about trying for a new intimate relationship. There was so much underneath the surface that I had to work out first. I couldn’t bring a woman into that, it wasn’t fair. I had to be happy with myself to seek happiness in others.
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